Birthday yogurt, ft. Lauren Gross

Let me ask you a rhetorical; how do you give a birthday present to someone who doesn't generally like things? That's a tough one for anyone to answer, yet I was presented with this very scenario for Dan Mahoney's celebration of life. 

To try to answer that question, I first had to recount the things that Dan actually does like. This includes (but is not limited to)

• Riding bicycles
• Fencing
• Monotony 
• Watching Volleyball

Alright, that's the basis of all anyone knows about Dan. So, let's analyze what we're working with.

Riding bikes: I can't give him a present for that. A commuter bike? That's a $500-1000 gift. Necessities like tubes, tires, chain lube and bar tape would just be lame. Bicycle gift conclusion: Lame and unrealistic. 

Fencing: The same situation, things are expensive. The biggest difference between this and the bike is that I don't actually know anything about fencing. Conclusion: Not possible/too easy to screw up.


Monotony: We go to the campus sub shop all the time to get frozen yogurt, and it's a $5 gift. Nothing to change, quick and simple. Conclusion: This is a good casual gift, we're going to have a birthday yogurt.

Now here's where the fun gift idea comes in...

Watching Volleyball: I obviously can't bring a volleyball match to Dan's birthday yogurt, can I? Well, no, but I can bring a volleyball player. The question is, who? I don't know any of them very well on a personal level, and if I ever approach a player I'm not usually able to complete a coherent sentence. Alaina doesn't allow either of us to think, I can't invite her. 4 is chill, and I've talked to her before, but she's not necessarily Dan's favorite player (just a little too much swag).  Hmmm... well... what about Lauren Gross? I've talked to her a total of 2 times in my life, which is 2 times more than I've talked to almost everyone else on the team. She's a personal favorite of mine, Dan's and Jim Moore's. She has also finished her last season with the team, so I could buy her yogurt without worrying about NCAA sanctions. This seems like the best option.

Now something you should realize is that I thought of this months ago, literally in March. I sent Lauren a message on facebook about attending his birthday party yogurt. Miraculously, she agrees (already a major accomplishment!)

March 27th, to be exact

Here's what I didn't account for: Dan and I think identically. Now, my birthday was mere weeks ago, and Dan himself was talking about inviting Liz, JP, or Alaina to my yogurt celebration. The only thing I could think of saying is "Don't do that." How creepy would that look if he invited someone on the team after I invited someone on the team? 

But no... normal me would never tell him to say "Don't do that." Normal me would be excited, and pressure him to actually bring one of the players on the team. This is where my plan becomes elaborate.

First, I have to make sure that Dan becomes too afraid to actually invite anyone on the team. I use the Tobias Method, and straight up confront him about it. Go on, do it, invite someone. We'd both be terrified. Go on. Yeah, I didn't think so.

The Tobias method worked successfully, but that wasn't enough. No, now I had to mess with Dan's mind. 

"Alright," I told Dan, "I'm going to invite Alaina to YOUR birthday yogurt" 

"Ha no you won't. You wouldn't"

"Oh, you're right... but I will invite 15!!! (Lauren)"

"No you won't"

"You're right, I'm too much of a coward"

Now it's time to not only make him think, but also truly believe that I was a terrible liar. As luck would have it, I found out that Liz, #6, was playing on the softball team before he did. I put on this ridiculous charade of "I have a secret, and I'm not going to tell you."

Then I let it slip that "It might involve a girl on the team playing another sport," which bled in to "FINE LIZ IS PLAYING SOFTBALL"

"Man," Dan replied, "You're really bad at keeping secrets." Ha. Sold it like a pot dealer to Cliff Harris.

After a few more days of REALLY taunting him (without him actually knowing that's what I was doing), finally the day comes where we get yogurt.

After a brief miscommunication, I place Lauren inside the Campus Sub Shop, where I grab unsuspecting Dan and act like it's any normal evening yogurt. As we enter the door, I head straight to the yogurt and let the surprise happen for itself. I could not see, but only hear Dan's immediate smirk-turned-laugh-turned-panicked  "OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY."

Dan's first distinguishable words were "You didn't..."

To which I replied "Did what?"

"You..."

"OH! Dan, let me introduce you to Lauren" 

From there on we had a conversation as we normally do when we get yogurt... only this time we actually talked about volleyball more than average. We got some good knowledge about the team that we'd always been curious about, but too shy to ever ask. In return, I found it only fitting that we spilled a few of our own (Including the one about JP being JP, and me still playing my original 1988 gameboy pokemon). Overall it was a successful evening, and we were far less shy and awkward than I'd previously anticipated. All thanks to the smooth talking and willingness of Lauren Gross.