Mormon humor

Last weekend I made my way down to Provo, Utah because I’m in a relationship and that means you do things that you don’t actually want to do. Genny’s company, AtTask, had their annual Christmas party, where the promises of a free dinner, raffle prizes, a drink or two and maybe even a NCMO were enough to convince me to attend.

For those of you unfamiliar with Provo, the town is… unique to say the best. Provo is located ~45 minutes south of Salt Lake City in Utah County, home of BYU and some interesting policies. Although Salt Lake City is predominantly seen as Mormon (LDS) from an outside perspective, Salt Lake honestly has nothing on Utah County. Now, don’t get me wrong, The LDS religion is one of my favorite religions that there is. The people are friendly, welcoming, and (usually) fun to be around. A bit more politically correct than I tend to be, but really just always nicer than most. That being said, as a lab mate of mine put it, if you put enough of one group of people together, whether it be exercise physiologists or just a bunch of Mormons, you’re going to get some pretty unique results which aren’t representative of the individuals themselves. The business Christmas party was a tremendous example of this. 

The night started off with a well-timed execution of our arrival, seamlessly transitioning from a glass of wine to putting our raffle tickets in for some prizes to an actually pretty delicious dinner. We sat with Steve, and his son Chase (both LDS, which will come in to play later). The conversation was pretty great for meeting some strangers, whom I normally don’t do well with, but overall fun people and Chase was one of the only other guys in the entire room of 400 around our age. Then, suddenly and without warning, the evening’s “entertainment” began.

Jayson Hewitt was given a tremendous introduction, highly heralded as a great friend of some schmucskie and a guy the company has been trying to book for years. Lucky for us, this year they snagged him, but the only details we were given was that he was “entertainment.” A bit puzzled by what he actually did, the first thing that Mr. Hewitt said in front of the microphone was “I see a lot of people here who are balding, and a lot of people here who are not balding” to which I immediately turned to Genny and said “Well, at least we found out that he’s not a comedian.”

Oh, how wrong I was.

Mr. Hewitt continued his act, which included songs that he put parodies on by switching a word or two, and/or making them slightly clever with his own spin. He actually had a pretty good singing voice, but his songs weren’t funny. A few songs later with really awkward transitions, he began his stand up comedy routine which may have been the worst stand up I’d ever seen in my life. He preached to the crowd about how having 4 kids was hard (no shit?), and about how being a dad was hard and it makes him tired. He really nailed the point home that he was Mormon too, having jokes about prayer and the Heavenly Father. For 45 minutes.

I didn’t laugh a single time. I don’t think Genny did either. I look at Steve and Chase, and those guys are in tears they’re laughing so hard. In fact, the whole room was laughing (the whole room was mostly LDS), and they were laughing nearly the entire time at things that weren’t funny. Now, I know the humor was targeted towards the middle aged LDS families, but the jokes were still awful. There was no edge to them. Everything was set up so that no one could even take the joke the wrong way, and doing impressions of other singers does not translate to humor.

I returned to lab the following week to talk to my lab mate (Jayson Gifford) about what I had witnessed, to which he said “ Oh, Mormon humor is the worst!”

Take it from both of us, it really is. This was the 2^nd to worst piece of live entertainment I’d ever seen in my life

If you don’t believe me, here’s a YouTube of Jayson Hewitt’s performance.  Please try to make it through the whole thing. 

Youtube.

Wait. Am I cool again?

Heyooooo blog update.

I apologize to my loyal readers, as my blog posts have been in high demand and I simply have not found the time to fulfill your needs in these passing moments. Well, that's not actually true, but ever since Dan's blog made a comeback, I felt mine should too, and I have some great updates. Where to start? Let's bring it on back to the summer of 2014.

As of August 2014, I've officially finished my first year of graduate school and currently in to my second. The year capped off with a study collaboration with a group from France, and man oh man did I put some ridiculous hours in to that one. Nobody wants to hear how hard I worked over the summer, that's just part of the Ph.D., but afterwards is where the real cool life updates begin.

Come September I had pretty much burnt out on lab and desperately needed a break. I never took more than an afternoon off in about 8 months, and decided that a week away from it all would be best. However, instead of getting away from it all, I decided Salt Lake's own back yard would be fun to play and relax in, and I had my first ever "stay-cation," which consisted of hiking, napping, biking and nothing. It was absolutely fantastic. 

In hindsight, the week off from lab was exactly what I needed, but I ended up getting much more time off in the near future.

Below is just a short list of things that happened all within just over 2 months (Oct/Nov/early Dec)

I went to the University of Missouri to spend time with a really great professor who helped me kickstart one of my Masters projects.

I went to Palo Alto to hang out with Dan, Nick and Leo, watch some volleyball and ride bicycles

My parents came to visit and play in the mountains with me as well

And then I went to see my all time favorite band (The Foo Fighters) play in a semi-private venue with around ~1000 people in Seattle.

Wait. Back up. How did that last one happen? So my girlfriend's sister and brother in law waited in line for 5 hours immediately after hearing that the tickets went on sale, and both her and I went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see them and (coincidentally), the concert. That's pretty straightforward, right? Maybe a little clarification is in order.

To the surprise of literally every single person I've ever talked to, including my mom who legitimately thought I was gay for Dan at one point (I am a little, but I digress), I am currently in a relationship. Genny, the aforementioned girl, and I have been seeing each other for ~4 months, and I have literally 0 clue as to what I'm doing.  She's really been the catalyst to all of these cool things that in my life lately, including:

Hike Mt. Timpanogos, the 2nd highest peak in Utah

Wear kick ass couples costumes

Go to Seattle for Thanksgiving to hang with her sister and brother in law (who are absolutely amazing people). 

And as of this past weekend, go back to Palo Alto/Santa Clara for the Ducks/Arizona Pac 12 game per her christmas gift to me. See Dan's recap of the trip: here

It's really been an insane few months. Being in a relationship, living an actual life outside of school and staying busy with lab and projects has been fantastic. My mind is in a better place by not entirely focusing on school, and I'm out doing cool things that I wouldn't have done by myself before.  Compared to even this summer, my life has completely turned around for the better, and I really don't think I could ask for a better person be spending it with. It's pretty neat.

Race report: My first 10k

Now that my nordic season is over, I've been allocating 100% of my training to become the best runner I can be for the Salt Lake City Half Marathon in April this year. Along the way, I decided it would be best for me to dabble in one or two shorter races in preparation for the half, and the Leprachaun Lope 10k seemed to fit my training schedule perfectly. The course description is as brutal as it sounds. The course is a simple out and back, with over 500ft elevation gain over the first 5k, then over 600 ft elevation loss over the last 5. Of course, all of this is occurring at our mile-high altitude, which does nothing to help make the race easier.

The course: a simple out and back...straight up the mountain

Although this was my first 10k (as a race), my training and knowledge of what my body is capable of let me establish a pretty simple plan; run just above threshold on the way up (HR ~195), don't worry about pace per mile, then full on bomb on the way down and try to maintain form and HR in the low 190s.

After pretending to know what I was doing for my warm up (this was my 2nd running race after all), the gun shot and I was off. There were ~400 people doing the 10k, but the real race was up front. I immediately found a rhythm and settled in at 6:45 over the first (and only) flat part of the course. A 6-foot, ridiculously lean 50-year-old guy settled right in front of me, and set the pace at EXACTLY where I wanted. We were initially in ~10th/11th place, but by mile 1 and the start of the climb, we were in 4th and 5th. We stood absolutely no shot at catching the top 2 guys, but 3rd was only about 20 meters ahead of us, and we were cruising. My heart rate was right where I wanted it (193-196 on the way up) and I felt great. We reached the top together with another guy about 5 meters behind us, and the time to fly down the hill was about to start.  However, this 50 year old guy knew exactly what he was doing, and as soon as we hit the turnaround he glanced back at me and dropped the pace down to a 5:20 per mile. Fuuuuuuuuck. I went with him initially for about 500 meters, looked at my HR and saw a 198, and realized there was no way I could keep that up. I had to let him go. The last 4.5k went by in a blur. I kept my heart rate in the low 190s just as planned, the pace in the upper 5min/mile, and my legs felt like they couldn't go any faster while also feeling in control. The one guy 5-meters behind me ended up passing me with about 2 miles to go, but there was nothing I could have done.

With about 1k to go, the 10k course intertwined with the 5k, and I was thrown in to this swarm of people running 8-9 minute pace where I was pushing 5:50s. It was a bit hectic, and with 200 meters left a guy actually started to sprint while showing incredible form to get past me by a meter. It was at that time I realized he was also doing the 10k, and he and I full on kicked for the last 150. I pulled away in the last 50 to settle for 6th overall, and (I think) win my age group*. I finished in 40:12 to set a personal 10k PR on a ridiculously hard course at altitude, and I really couldn't be happier about how good my legs are feeling right now.

Overall, this was a great experience, and one of the best results (percentage of participants wise) I've ever had.  Just 4 more weeks of training until the half.

Pacing was never based speed, but the splits are fun to look at

*I'm not sure where I actually finished in my age group. They screwed up the results at the table because a couple of shmucksies who registered for the 10k actually did the 5. I didn't stick around for the results to be cleared out since there were no prizes except top 3 overall finishers (Old guy I went up with wound up in 3rd place, in case you were wondering).

My winter sport

Is now over? Wait... What? I just started cross country skiing and you're telling me I can't anymore? Well, that sucks. Alright, it's time for a season recap.

Winter in Salt Lake City is far more harsh than in Oregon, and although it's technically feasible to ride year round, it certainly isn't recommended. All the rides/hills are either too snowy to take a bike on or the weather is too uncomfortable to be outside in, so riding essentially put to a halt. However, not all is lost, as Utah is known for having some of the best snow in the world, as the U.S. national ski team lives and trains in a city that's only 20 minutes away. On top of the short drive to the snow, virtually all of my cycling friends/lab mates/even my advisor race nordic in the off season, and (easily) convinced me that I needed to give it a shot.

I first attempted to skate ski in December, and I hated it. I mean absolutely abhorred it. I fell over 40 times the first day and showed absolutely no improvement from the first minute I was skiing till the hour after I started. I  began to question if this, or any winter sport, was right for me. Skate skiing is a combination of technique, balance and aerobic power, of which I had absolutely none of the first day I attempted to ski. I couldn't propel myself forward with my legs, so my arms did the majority of the work while I struggled the entire day and my friends went off and had fun. My legs would become ischemic and continue to burn from the consistent tense state they were in trying to maintain balance, which was causing me to use an enormous amount of energy without actually going forward. 50+ year old women would fly by me while I recovered from every 45 second burst of effort. It was a miserable experience.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I finally started to get my balance down.  I still couldn't go over 200 meters without having to take a break, and certainly not if there was a hill, but by mid January I was moving. By February I was up in the mountains 3x a week and getting noticeably better every time, and I really started to enjoy the sport. I would say that only the past two or three times I've been skiing I've felt truly comfortable with what I'm doing, and can really do what I actually want to do on my skis. I can balance effortlessly, sprint up hills and glide with confidence down them. And of course, now that I'm confident with what I'm doing, the weather warmed up here (which is unusually early for Utah). All the snow at my favorite places either melted or became un-skiable over the past two weeks, which is a real shame. My season is virtually over.

Round Valley was my favorite place to ski, located up above Park City.

I've been fortunate enough to ski in some amazing places, including Park City, Solitude Resort, and  Soldier Hollow, which is where the 2002 olympics for Nordic were held and is consistently kept in pristine olympic quality conditions. I still have the option to ski up at the higher mountain ranges, but my head is out of it. It'll be 56 and sunny here today, and by no means would I rather nordic than ride or run. The snow will last up in the resorts until late April, which lends the opportunity to go downhill skiing a few more times this year, but I'm already thinking about Nordic again for next year.

I'm in full transition to running mode now. With a 10k next week and a half marathon in a month, I'm really excited to see how I'll perform this year. After these races I'll most likely settle back in to mediocrity with cycling or maintain my running mileage and really try to compete in a few more half marathons this year. We'll see how this year turns out.